Disappeared News

by Larry Geller

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/shifted/ / CC BY-NC-SA 2.0

Follow Rusti’s campaign on Twitter. Click here.

In a surprise announcement, Rusti the Orangutan announced he will be resigning from the Honolulu Zoo to devote his full time to campaigning for governor of Hawaii. This has a familiar ring to it: it’s exactly what Rusti said eight years ago. But at the last minute, Rusti couldn’t get a ride to file his papers, and gave up.

Is Hawaii better because Rusti didn’t run in 2010? You answer the question.

Disappeared News questioned Rusti in 2010 about his campaign plans and hopes for Hawaii. We bring you an exclusive interview again this time. I’m quite happy to repeat some of the questions I asked then—times have changed, although Rusti hasn’t.

DISAPPEAREDNEWS: I understand that you’ve decided to throw your hat into the ring once again for this year’s race for governor.

RUSTI: I now have many hats. I noticed that hats matter in national politics. Some say “Make America Great Again” in different languages.

One of my platforms is that Hawaii should have a hat. Why is it that none of our politicians wants to make Hawaii great again? It’s always the same-old same-old. Homelessness was a crisis in 2003, it’s still a crisis in 2018. Hawaii’s state tax system dates from the 19th century, I understand, though they have updated it to use the Chinese abacus quite recently, I heard.

I want to make Hawaii great again. Whatever that takes. I can do it—I’m as capable as that guy Trump who I understand is now our president.

Somebody left me a banana wrapped in a newspaper article from last year claiming that Hawaii is already great:

The state granted women legal abortions in 1970, predating Roe v. Wade. In 1972, it became the first state to ratify the Equal Rights Amendment. And in 1974, it became the first to mandate employer-sponsored healthcare with the Hawaii Prepaid Healthcare Act.

Hawaii just became the first US state to pass a bill supporting basic income…

This demonstrated to me the unique power of bananas to convey information.

DN: I asked you last time you ran. Why would you leave your cushy job at the zoo for the thankless and unrewarding position of governor?

RUSTI: My answer is the same: Neither of the other two candidates can offer what I can: to turn Hawaii into a true Banana Republic. Only by realizing our true potential can we truly aspire to greatness. We should give up trying to become the “high tech hub of the Pacific” and aim to maximize our natural strengths.

I believe our strengths are our people and our bananas. This is because so many people have given me so many bananas.

I am the candidate best equipped do this because I understand bananas. Isn’t that simple enough? Don’t laugh—we have more varieties of banana here in Hawaii then they have in (say) Washington, DC. Ask at your local farmers’ market, they’ll tell you all the different kinds they have.

But we don’t capitalize on our natural advantages. By running for governor I can capitalize and capitolize at the same time. First, though, I need a hat with a slogan…

DN: I challanged you last time: you’ve never held elective office… you never served in Congress, you’ve never been mayor… and you copped out last time you said you would run for governor.

RUSTI: That’s still the greatest advantage I hold over my opponents. With inexperience one can go far—it’s a fact!

If I win this election I promise to serve out my term, but after that… I can see myself in the oval office. I firmly believe that the American people would welcome my inexperience and deep understanding of fruit.

DN: In 2010 you had your choice of running mates. What do you think of today’s field of candidates?

RUSTI: I will endorse one candidate for Lt. Governor. It will matter because I am the 800-pound gorilla that everyone has heard of.

So far, none of them have paid me an official visit. I demand loyalty, and also begging to be chosen.

I know that they secretly want to move on to the governor’s mansion next time around, so they better also bring some decent gifts if they want to succeed with me.

In addition to loyalty and tribute I will be looking for someone weak enough not to challange me for re-election if I decide not to run for president next time around.

My wife Violet is thinking of trying for that office, and she outweighs me.

Follow Rusti’s campaign on Twitter. Click here.

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Did you know that orangutans are endangered as the rainforests are cleared for palm oil production?

Support programs to protect orangutans and other endangered species. See the Orangutan Project.