Disappeared News

by Larry Geller

Follow Rusti’s campaign on Twitter. Click here.

Rusti the Orangutan has declared his candidacy for governor of Hawaii, though he hasn’t yet purchased a hat to throw into the ring. (See: Rusti announces run for Governor of Hawaii (1/4/2010) ).

Yesterday, after Inouye’s endorsement of Colleen Hanabusa at a meeting I was attending, I decided to question Rusti about the scramble for the 1st Congressional District opened up by Neil Abercrombie’s planned reservation.

DISAPPEARED NEWS: Rusti, why did you decide to run for governor of Hawaii instead of joining the less-crowded field aiming at Neil Abercrombie’s seat in Congress?

RUSTI: I’m just not that into going to Congress. Depending on who or whom you speak with, they describe Congress as either a circus or a zoo. I’ve done my time, no more of that for me.

DN: Wouldn’t it be an easier race for you, though?

RUSTI: I’m not afraid of any challenge. I’m bigger than any of the candidates who have declared so far. My name recognition is better, too, everyone has heard of me. You can buy postcards with my picture on them.

If you don’t live in Honolulu, who knows the other candidates?

This is a banana republic, remember. I believe the main reason for sending candidates to the House in Washington is to get them out of Hawaii. Which ever of them wins, they could be far away from here for a long, long time, and for a couple of them that’s probably what voters want, don’t you think?

DN: In the gubernatorial race, are you bigger even than Mufi?

RUSTI: Yes, if I stand up and beat my chest, you’ll see that he’s a wimp compared to me. I also don’t spend much time singing sweet songs into microphones. It’s not my style. The governor’s race is about power, and in a banana republic you have to master the chest-beating, not the crooning.

DN: What about Abercrombie, who is coming back from Washington, where he was a strong liberal representative of Hawaii?

RUSTI: Remember my theory of why we send people to Congress. Abercrombie is coming back. Is that really want we want? I remember a yellow Checker cab. I remember a comic book about him, I remember the City Council.

DN: Tell me about Colleen Hanabusa’s chances.

RUSTI: She’s obviously going to be on the spot when the Senate takes up the civil unions bill. If they do that, expect a huge mobilization against it by the churches. Last session she helped kill it, we just have to see what she does this time. If the bill comes up, all eyes will be on her. It could be a lose-lose proposition no matter what she does. The best thing for her is if it doesn’t come up until after the special election.

All Djou and Case have to do is keep their mouths shut for the duration and let Hanabusa hang herself. For either of them, keeping their mouths shut would normally be an incredible ordeal, but in this case I bet they’ll manage it.

DN: You seem to be very up on current affairs, for someone who doesn’t read a newspaper.

RUSTI: Reading the newspapers in this town only makes you think you know what’s going on. In a true banana republic, everything, and I mean everything, is decided in back rooms someplace. It’s like that at the Legislature. No matter how much testimony they get, it’s what goes on at some secretive conference committee, or what the Speaker or the President orders, that gets done.

As to the Governor, the press can only print what they’ve been fed. The gov’s office is so opaque that no one knows what goes on there. Then take the DOE… please. The superintendent resigned and the Board of Education just sat on the information until she had only a day left. Sheesh.

Only in a banana republic.

DN: Well, how do you get your information?

RUSTI: I know things because a little bird told me. You know how you walk down the street in the evening and the mynah birds are making all that noise up in the trees? What do you think they’re talking about? Politics.

They are everywhere (except in the Governor’s office). They’re smart. They know everything that’s happening.

And they have been tweeting about it long before you started using Twitter. So I have my own intelligence network.

DN: If you are elected governor, will you have an open-door policy?

RUSTI: Heck no. Power has its privileges.

Follow Rusti’s campaign on Twitter. Click here.
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Did you know that logging the Sumatran rain forest endangers an orangutan reintroduction project that has returned more than 100 critically endangered orangutans to the wild?

Support programs to protect orangutans and other endangered species. See this page from the Australian Orangutan Project for a list of other projects you can check out on the web.

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