Disappeared News

by Larry Geller

 

Follow Rusti’s campaign on Twitter. Click here.

In a surprise announcement, Rusti the Orangutan announced he will be resigning from the Honolulu Zoo to devote his full time to campaigning for governor of Hawaii.

Disappeared News questioned Rusti about his campaign plans and hopes for Hawaii. We bring you this exclusive interview, the first granted by any gubernatorial candidate in Hawaii so far this year.

DISAPPEAREDNEWS: I understand that you’ve decided to throw your hat into the ring for this year’s race for governor.

RUSTI: I don’t own a hat, but if that’s what it takes, I will get one.

DN: Everyone will want to know why you’re leaving a cushy job you could stay in forever to join this already crowded race.

RUSTI: None of the other candidates can offer what I can: to turn Hawaii into a true Banana Republic.

The time is ripe and I am the candidate best equipped do this. Governor Lingle tried, now I’m the one to finish the job.

DN: But you’ve never even held elective office… you never served in Congress, you’ve never been mayor…

RUSTI: That’s the greatest advantage I hold over my opponents. Look where they have gotten us.

DN: Have you chosen a running mate?

RUSTI: No, I need to review each of the nine candidates who have announced so far to see which of them might be most compatible with our goals.

Lieutenant Governor is frequently a stepping stone to the governor’s mansion. In four years I may face one of them when I seek re-election. I’d be stupid to pick anybody really good, wouldn’t I?

DN: Will you be moving out of the zoo into campaign headquarters someplace?

RUSTI: Not immediately. Violet and I plan to remain here for the moment and begin to reach out to the voting public. We need to get t-shirts, bumper stickers, a web page, you know, all that important stuff. I already have a Twitter account where you can follow my progress.

I invite people to come over and talk. I’m a great listener, another advantage over my opponents. And I promise, the word “rail” will never cross my lips.

DN: Who would you say is your strongest constituency in the state?

RUSTI: Oh, the majority of voters have already spoken. All those who didn’t think the names they found on the ballot in 2008 were worth a trip to the polling place on election day, I claim as mine.

DN: Did you have a chance to speak with President Obama yesterday when he stopped by the zoo?

RUSTI: It was an unusual opportunity. I’m sorry, but I can’t give details of what he said during our high-level talks. The newspapers leaked Michelle’s remark about mounting a coup, you can make of that what you will, but my lips are sealed.

DN: Thank you for this interview. We’ll follow your progress.

Follow Rusti’s campaign on Twitter. Click here.

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Did you know that orangutans are endangered as the rainforests are cleared for palm oil production?

Support programs to protect orangutans and other endangered species. See this page from the Australian Orangutan Project for a list of other projects you can check out on the web.

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